Dear Fanfiction Authors,
by Zeeweeble
Summary: The Reds and Blues along with some of their friends and enemies have somethings to say to fanfiction authors. Language.
1. Grimmons

**Somehow this story was deleted. Maybe it was reported or something, I don't care. This is not suppose to be taken seriously it's just for fun and some laughs. If you have a problem with what is written here's a wild idea... don't read it! Otherwise enjoy! I do not own Red vs. Blue**

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Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Hello everybody. Private Dick Simmons here from the popular web series Red vs. Blue. So since there really is nothing to do most days here in Blood Gulch most of us have been reading some fan fictions you authors post on this site and I would just like to say that Grif and I are NOT a couple.

Hey Simmons what are you doing?

Writing a letter to those authors on Fanfiction.

Oh! Did you make it specific that we aren't a couple cause that's just gross. I like chicks, people! …Now Simmons here, I'm not so sure about.

Grif! Don't listen to him I like girls too. I just get nervous when they talk to me sometimes, or look at me… you know sometimes. But I'm totally down with the chicks.

Just shut up Simmons you're embarrassing yourself.

Sincerely,

Privates Grif and Simmons

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**Please let me know what you think. Suggestions anyone?!**


	2. Smart Caboose?

**This was requested by my sister and I aim to please. **

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Dear Fanfiction Authors,

Hey everybody this is Leonard Church, so yeah we've noticed some stories that have Caboose changing and actually being smart. What the hell? I've had experience with that dumbass and trust me that there's no way in hell of that happening.

Church. Church. Church.… Church!

WHAT!? -Caboose why is Lopez in a dress?

Because we are planning a surprise birthday party for the Sargent.

Wha- Why? Sarge's birthday was last month.

That's why it's a surprise.

El diablo azul no va a dejar que me vaya. (The blue devil won't let me leave.)

See! Lopez thinks it's a great idea too!

Sálvame de este infierno. (Save me from this hell.)

Oh for the love of…see what I mean?

Who wants to help bake the cake?!

Sincerely,

Church. Caboose. Lopez(reluctantly)

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**R&R. Suggestions welcome.**


	3. Wash

**I have decided that I probably won't post every single day but what I will do is post no less than two letters at a time since they are so short.**

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Dear Fanfiction authors,

I- can't I can't even put this into words… WHY would any of you make me a girl!? Last time I checked I had a fucking dick and everything. Just because I keep my helmet on at all times does not mean I'm secretly hiding the fact that I'm a woman. I probably won't have anything else to say for a while; that just sent me over the edge.

But it was funny!

Shut up Tucker!

Or maybe it's because you're so paranoid Oh or shy or both? Wash are you a shy paranoid chick?

I said shut the fuck up!

Furiously written by,

Previous Freelancer Agent Washington and Tucker (who's going to wish he hadn't interrupted. 5 laps around the canyon, Tucker!) (Man this sucks! Sure is bossy like a girl.) (What did you say?) (Nothing!)

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**Read & Review. I would love some suggestions. Thanks**


	4. Shotgun shell marked Grif

**As promised the second letter today! I would just like to say that this one was also critiqued by my younger sister who is probably a bigger Red vs Blue fan than I am. (Impossible!)**

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Dear Fanfiction authors,

Despite what some of you may think Sarge and I are not nor will we ever truly get along much less be friends.

Get out of here Grif I've got something to say!

Whatever you say Sarge I've got a box of oreos calling my name.

Get outta here ya fat lazy bastard. Alright now ya see I can barely stand that dirt bag. What in Sam Hill gives any of you youngsters the impression that I would be- friends or worse in a rela… uhh I can't even express my disapproval in what I've read that goes on between me and Grif in some of the fan fiction-es. Simmons am I saying this right? Awe hell of course I am.

Sincerely,

Sarge and Dead-Man-Walking Grif. (Heh heh I like the sound of that only should probably take out the 'walking' part)

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**Read. Review. Love. Suggestions. Did I mention Love? Yes indeed.**


	5. South Wash

Dear Fanfiction authors,

It has come to the attention of some, that an Agent South Dakota and Agent Washington, as you humans call it, ship has been created and is known to be quite popular. I and many others must disagree. Although Agents Washington and South were partnered up, and I use that term lightly, does not mean that they were infatuated with one another. It was very much to the contrary. Both Agents had very low opinions of one another and were more often than not at odds. A blatant example: Agent Wash was shot in the back in or for Agent South to escape the Meta and in return when Agent Washington was reunited with South during our most recent attack with the Meta; Washington shot South in order to make sure we achieved our objective in stopping the Meta and prohibiting her from compromising our progress, killing her outright. Clearly these are simple instances that would cause the 'South Wash ship' not to exist

Sincerely,

Delta.

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**I'm thrilled you are all enjoying these letters, but my entourage of ideas is severely diminishing so suggestions would be greatly appreciated.**


	6. Yorkalina

Dear Fanfiction authors,

Look, York was a great guy but he… eh hem… he is gone. So stop writing these damn stories whe- where we have a- life- and everything is normal. Nothing is ever normal!

Carolina are you okay?

Huh? Oh Church… Yeah I'm fine anyway. York isn't coming back and I - we - let's just say that I blew it with him when ugh.

When you lost control of your anger and wouldn't stop training because you were obsessed with kicking Tex's ass.

Ugh …Yeah… pretty much. Like I said - it's nice that you think me and him were so close or there was a deep love thing going on between us and maybe there was but… but that's over. Time to move on.

Sincerely,

Carolina and a bit of Epsilon- Church.

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**Read. Review. Suggest.**


	7. Northern New York

**Okay I know it's been a very long while since I have updated and I am sorry. This particular letter turned out to be a little long than expected. Warning: Awkward and Hilarious!**

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Dear Fanfiction authors,

Good afternoon chaps. Both of you have a seat there on the bench.

Wyoming, what is this about?

Yeah man, you wake me and North up at practically 2 in the mornin' drag us to the locker room and for what to look at some computer thing?

Ah ha I'm so glad you asked. I'm going to ask you a few question and you are going to answer while I sit over here and write it all down.

York, do you understand what's going on?

Man, I'm just trying to stay awake.

Right now first question: North how do you feel about York?

He's a good guy…?

Thanks man.

Now York, how would you express your feelings towards North if he were to come up and kiss you?

Wha- Where did you get that?

Ha ha ha is that a blush I see crossing your faces? I'll just mark that down as undecided.

Okay North you're in the shower and York walks in on you, suddenly grabbing your, uh member. Do you respond with A) Are immediately into it and reciprocate. B) Pull away but realized your deeper feeling for him and continue. C) Grab his ass and kiss.

…

…

This is so fucked up! Where are you reading this from?

Yeah well tell her that; but it's cool of you to say man.

Alright that's, all the above, on that question.

Hey Wyoming, Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Canoe.

Canoe who?

Canoe shut up the hell so we can go back to bed and forget any of this ever happened!

Well chaps, looks like that's all we are going to get out of the couple—of fellows tonight.

Sincerely, Wyoming- Interviewer, York and North- Possible couple? ;)

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**Rate and Review. Thanks you very much. BTW I will eventually get around to posting all suggestions so keep them coming. (If the suggestion is a 'ship' let me know if you are for or against). Much Love!**


	8. Messed Up Mix Ups

**I promised two letters every time I update this series and I meant it.**

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Dear Fanfiction authors,

This is so stupid. I can't believe you're letting something so pathetic bother you, Church.

Tex, do you even know what it is that has been happening on this website?

Fine, if it will shut you up! Let me hear it.

Okay, it says here that you have a secret love thing going on with… Caboose.

…What? I'm gonna kill them all.

That's what I said! See people, last time I checked it was Me and Tex who were together; not _Caboose_ and Tex!...Hey, uh, Tex? Where are you going?

To kill Caboose. Let's see them write anything about us when he's dead.

Church! Did you call me?

Gah! No, Caboose. Go away.

Church, why is da scary lady pointing her gun at me?

Sincerely,

Tex, Church, Caboose (very briefly).

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**Right then I know it's very short but entertaining. Read. Review (even if it's just a couple words) and Love. :)**


	9. Chaboose

**HEY! You know the drill... It's pretty simple, Enjoy!**

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Dear Fanfiction authors,

Okay let's get something straight here… again! I, Leonard Church, am not gay. I have a girlfriend.

She could just be a cover.

Tucker, why do you always show up where you're not wanted?

Mmm. Just lucky I guess.

Church! What are you doing over here?!

Uuh. I never get any peace around here. Nothing, Caboose… go away. I especially don't want to see you when I'm doing this.

Doing what? Oh Dude! Are you reading those fan stories about you and dumber over here?

….OH MY GOD! Thi- this is amazing! People are writing nice things about me and Church? This is great!

No. It's not! It's terrible.

Hey it's all based on perspective dude.

Shut up Tucker.

This is so awesome because Church and me are best friends and we could really be…what's this?... bit- butts- burts buddies?... Yeah!

Caboose I think you might be confused.

Uh Tucker I think I would know if I was confused or not.

...Really?

Enough! This is not okay. I am not gay. I'm no one's butt buddy nor am I their best friend. God I'm outta here.

Yeah, let's go Church.

For the last time; Go away Caboose!

Heh heh I guess the unrequited lovers are gone. Off to do… whatever it is they do.

Sincerely,

Church, Caboose, Tucker.

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**Thank you for the reviews and such; they make me happy so keep the feedback coming! :D**

**Read. Review. Love.**


	10. Naughty Thoughts

**This one is pretty short... but it got my sister's stamp of approval so... enjoy!**

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Dear fanfiction and all that crap…

Tucker here, I don't have a lot of time to write this but I read something that almost killed me. Me? Gay? ME? Where? When? How? I don't think I have given off any vibes to suggest I am into guys, and even if I was I wouldn't sink so low as to be interested in the ones around here. You guys have seen the show, I clearly want to get down and dirty with the ladies. Just because I'm all alone out here with a bunch of dudes don't mean I fantasize about them.

It's not like we're talking about Donut. I mean for god's sake, his armor is pink!

IT'S LIGHTISH RED!

Go back to your own base! So yeah, I don't fantasize, think, or even entertain the thought of doing any kinky gay stuff with Wash, Caboose, or anyone!

_TUCKER!_

Uh oh, Gotta go, Wash is looking for me, he's been such a dick, riding my ass all day. Ha…Bow Chika Bow Wow…Wait uh forget I said that. Later.

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**Like it?... Review! **


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